Aug 212014

When I was at the Anaheim Republican Assembly Meeting last night – I was there with five other Sock Puppet CRA Vice Presidents and of course my hand puppet, CRA President John W Briscoe.

One of my hand-picked minions, Mark Gardner is from Fresno, Three-Plus Hours away from Anaheim. He is also a chemical salesman, so I decided to go stanhope of some of his floor samples before writing this post…

I was very pleased to see all of my hand-picked sock puppets doing my bidding.

You see – the CRA had been beset by Gerbils. There are the kinds of Gerbils that adorn someone’s head, there are the kinds of Gerbils that dance around the Jumbotron in Anaheim Stadium and of course there are the Gerbils that sit in mommy’s basement on their commodore 64 dreaming up political scenarios to validate themselves.

The problem is that if left unattended, Gerbils will multiply and will multiply quickly.

So – I got out my secret mind control device and pulled off the following:

I invented 49 fake members for the Anaheim RA then I told the Commodore 64 Gerbil to throw out 6 Anaheim RA members so I could rally my sock puppets.

I then got my sock puppets to come from as far as 4 hours away from Anaheim in the middle of the week to stage an event for  the Anaheim RA.

All of this so that I could control a CRA endorsement for a guy I have never met who was going to vote for the Commodore 64  Gerbil for President of the Anaheim RA anyway!

Then when I got to the Anaheim RA meeting I had rigged the outcome of – to my horror, my hand-picked recruits were  nominating candidates for unit office I had not planned on. I witnessed the HORROR of contested unit officer elections!

Even worse, there was debate amongst the unit members!!! I might have lost control of the outcome…

At the end of the day – my favorite sock puppet from Santa Clarita manipulated everyone just like I had asked her to and I got the result that I wanted.

I mean, I drove 850 miles round trip and got home at 4am because I was either under the influence of chemicals or because the pay was so good, right? I mean, those are the only two plausible explanations any reasonable person not under the influence of paint-thinner could draw?

Then I faced the horror of volunteer politics. I had actually sacrificed my time for the sake of the CRA and 65 people I had never met. I must have truly been higher than a kite… maybe I need to go to a meeting tonight and admit a relapse.

To think of the audacity of realizing that mocking the Virgin of Guadalupe is a bad thing for GOP party building, or seeing the margin in Orange County slipping from 68% to 53% in the most recent Presidential election as a bad thing!

Controlling people, places and things and viewing organizations only for their endorsement on a piece of mail is where the true power is, right?

I knew that re-connecting with reality and understanding that the only solution to what ails the Orange County GOP must certainly qualify me for therapy as I have certainly lost my way.

  One Response to “I found Matt Cunningham – In a Van Down By the Cement River”

  1. Thank you SO MUCH for your help. Seriously. I am floored that perfect strangers would come help like that.

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